Biting My Own Teeth

Here I am again, tapping away at the keys of a laptop trying to spill out the words swimming around in my skull. So here comes the downpour.... This time in my life is tough. I am trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I am trying to create myself. I know that people often say that this or that person has not yet found himself.  But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates. Everyone tells me to model, and quite frankly I don't want to model for a living. The industry is wonderful and I love it a great deal, but it is also chalk full of stupid little stick figures with poufy lips, who think only of themselves (thank you Edna). It is a very materialistic world. I don't want to be surrounded by that. I want to be around people who love who they are, who don't need people to tell them how pretty they are to value their own self worth. The value of identity is that so often with it comes purpose. I want to have a purpose in my life. I come to the conclusion that trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. I think at times our Heavenly Father hides things from us by putting them right in front of us. Sometimes I feel like I can reach out and touch what I want to be, and where I want to be going, but then there are times I sit and stare in a stupor, trying to rethink my whole perception of my life. I have a good idea where I want to be, unfortunately, I haven't hit the jackpot yet. I haven't heard the clattering of the gold coins rushing out of the slots of my heart yet. I haven't jumped up and down in joy yet. When I graduated from high school a friend of mine gave me a brown metal bird and attached to it was a light blue ribbon with a tag saying "it's your time to fly". That little gift holds dear to me and I will always treasure it. Unfortunately, it seems to me that I haven't found my wings yet. I know I will find my wings. I'm just hoping that I will be flying happy soon.